Filling Up Some Notebooks

So during this season of Lent I am doing lots of introspection.  I am fighting a great deal with wanting to eat when not hungry, with wanting to pull my hair out due to stress and boredom, and wanting to overeat due to boredom.  As an alternative behavior I am journaling almost constantly while at home and participating in numerous Bible studies independently.  I started a Bible study last week at church and have been doing the follow-up activities on my own during work at lunch.  Finally, Lorelai has asked to start doing a daily Bible study with me.  My life may have external stresses, but internally it is incredibly blessed.

Something New

Tonight I am starting something I have never done before-I am attending a Bible study group.  I have done them independently or online but this is my first time doing one in a group with other actual humans.  Am very nervous.  We'll see how it goes.

Working the Program

Many years ago I used to attend Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meetings regularly.  I have since stopped going and haven't worked the program like I should have.  Today I have loaded a few apps on my phone that are related to OA and recovering from eating disorders.  I am charting what I am eating each moment, as well as how I am feeling to better understand if I am eating emotionally or because I am truly hungry.

So Amazing

So we have officially decided to join Marathon church.  This morning's service was fulfilling and inspiring and I left feeling like I was floating on air.  Miller left kids' church asking if we got to go to church  again tomorrow.  That made my heart burst with happiness.  Usually I have to drag him to church kicking and screaming.  This change is so wonderful for our family.

Making Some Changes

I went to a Christian women's conference a few years ago and Candace Cameron Bure was one of the speakers.  She spoke about how the man is supposed to be the head of the household in regards to spiritual guidance for the family.  Dan has confided in me that he is not really in a mental state to be that leader for us and has passed those reins on to me for the time being.  Lately I have felt as though I am not getting from much that is spiritually fulfilling from the Catholic church.  I also want a place of worship where my kids can get involved and really be immersed in their faith.  Marathon church in Powdersville is proving to be that place.  I look forward to going to church every Sunday.  I hang on every word of the preacher and I leave completely uplifted.  The kids are excited about attending, also.  I feel that this new change is going to be great for all of us.

Feeling Kind of Blah

So my eating has been fair and my exercise has been consistent, but I still don't feel very spectacular.  I did however manage to get up and exercise at 5:30 AM today and I feel great about that.

Getting Real

As some of you know, my other blog is kind of puppies and rainbows kinds of posts.  I usually post pictures of the kids or things that our family is doing.  This blog was started to help me in my spiritual growth, as well as hopefully help anyone who may have some of the same struggles that I face.  Today's post is one that deals with three of my main weight/body image issues.  I have Binge Eating Disorder, Compulsive Eating Disorder, and Body Dysmorphic Disorder.  The first two are pretty sellf-explanatory in that I like to eat a lot, however they are a bit more serious than that.  They are classified as diseases just like alcoholism.  I came wired this way and I struggle with the need/desire to eat far more than my body was ever designed to at one sitting each and every day.  The last disorder can be summed up in that I live life through the eyes of a fun house mirror.  I never see beauty, no matter how much make up I have on, how fancy my clothes are, or how much weight I have lost.  All I see are flaws and imperfections...always.  Below are a few quotes of what it's like living this way everyday.

 This is the symbol for eating disorder survivors.  I don't foresee ever getting a tattoo, but if I ever did this is what I would get.  (Not the words, just the symbol.)