Realization

So I have come to the stark realization that I do not have a best friend - aside from my amazing husband.  I can tell Dan anything and we talk about everything, but I do not have any girl friends that I can be very open with.  Many people  that I have thought I was going to be good friends with have betrayed me.  Many people I have trusted have lied to me and gone behind my back and been two-faced.  I feel very alone in this area of my life.  Perhaps God is saving me from having to say goodbye to people when we move.  Perhaps He will lead a female best friend into my life once we move to Florida.  Until then I will keep praying for the broken friendships in my life.

Feeling Good

I am making excellent progress today.  Ordered a skinny, sugar free mocha for breakfast and only drank half-as is my usual custom.  I always try to only eat half of whatever it is I am consuming.  I made some soup for lunch, but wasn't thrilled with the taste so I trashed it as opposed to eating something I didn't really like.  I am now drinking a Monster Rehab and just finished working out.  Feeling very positive and motivated.

Struggles Creep In

Ugh!  So some things are going well, while others things seem to be cracking under the pressure.  So I am still holding it together with pulling my hair out.  Haven't pulled my hair in several days, and while the desire is there more often than not, I am combating it with self-assessment and prayer.

In the area of eating well and not purging I am falling very short.  I have thrown up the past few days after eating junk food.  I know better than to do this, but somehow I allow it to happen anyway.  I am not planning on doing it anymore and am going to eat well and pray, as opposed to eating to relieve stress.  Am going to exercise, also, to alleviate stress.

Finally, my job has me completely stressed out and depressed.  I have major anxiety each day and I get an ulcer and start feeling very sad as I start driving to work.  It is almost inexplicable.  I don't really feel like I have a good support system and as many of the people in my church and my co-workers seem to be two-faced, I really don't feel like I have  anyone to confide in.  As a result I use this blog as an outlet. Now from this point on I will make much better progress.  Thank you for listening.

Reflections

So initially this blog was started to document my weight loss journey and my desire to do so in a healthy fashion.  As this new year has commenced and I am spending more time being reflective I realize that this blog is much more than that.  Today is a very odd day for me.  I am home alone and am watching a series on Netflix called "Don't Call Me Crazy."  It is about adolescents with mental illnesses and eating disorders.  I always knew I had eating issues, but I just kind of blew them off and would address them off and on as they arose.  Today I am taking back control of these disorders.  I will not let food control me.  I will eat when hungry and stop when I am satisfied.  No more overeating because it tastes good.  No more eating just because I'm bored.

Another issue I struggle with is my hair pulling.  I have been doing it for 30 years.  I have been able to stop in the past but have started up again due to stress, as well as depression.  I watched a documentary yesterday called "Cristina" about a woman who survived breast cancer, only to find out the cancer had come back and basically taken over her liver.  She was so excited to have hair after her first round of chemo was over with her initial cancer diagnosis.  All of her hair was gone by the time she passed away after her second bout with cancer.  She only lived 5 months after being diagnosed the second time.  I need to appreciate the hair that God has given me.  It is actually quite pretty and thick and curly when I keep my hands off of it and let it grow out.  After being inspired by Cristina's spirit and her positivity during her struggle, I am going to leave my hair alone, only to touch it when washing it or styling it.

Fighting these illnesses is a daily, truly a moment-to-moment struggle.  Being home alone today could pose a problem as I could indulge in negative behaviors with no consequences.  However I am self-monitoring my behavior and am doing a fabulous job today. God is my strength and prayer is SO very powerful!

New Year, New Struggles, New Opportunities

So I haven't blogged in quite some time.  Not sure if it is due to laziness or just not much to say. Probably also due to depression and lack of desire to make an effort.  So much has happened since I last posted.  Dan and I were planning to pick up the family and move to Florida.  We were going to start new jobs and get away from the negativity of our current living situation.  New people, new environment, new jobs, new opportunities.  As usual, just when you think you have it all figured out, God throws a monkey wrench in the plans - but always for good readon.  Dan moved to Florida for two months for training-so I am now a single parent and will be for the foreseeable future, we had to move to a new apartment (which is actually much nicer) because our old apartment got rented when we thought we were moving, and I didn't get to start the new job that I was so excited about that I had been hired for in Florida.

But I know God is working in our lives, just in ways that may not be as evident or obvious as I might like.  Dan is thriving at his new job.  His co-workers are amazing and supportive and he is doing the job he has always wanted to do.  The kids will get to stay in Easley and finish out the school year with their friends.  They also get to stay close to both sets of grandparents for another six months, which is great for all parties involved.

I am still in a job that I struggle with daily and a finding that my co-workers talk behind my back what is told in confidence to them.  I thought I had people I could trust but am learning the hard way that is not the case.

Church is good, all things considered.  The messages are uplifting and relevant, but the friendships that I made seem to dwindle daily.  Either the ladies pull away, push me away, talk behind my back, or ignore me altogether.  I am not sure I know how to make solid friendships, but I do pray that God will guide me.  Perhaps He is allowing this to occur so that saying goodbye to these people won't be as difficult when we move.  I just pray that one day I can make solid female friendships based on the foundation of Christ and that I can learn to trust people, as right now that is one of my biggest issues.

Doing Great

Having great successes lately.  No hair pulling, no eating too much to the point of being sick.  Am exercising and drinking boatloads of water.  Feeling very fantastic!

Some Fun Quotes About Coffee